I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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