I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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