im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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