So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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