I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
