I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
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Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
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He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I lost the right to judge tonight
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I would fuck him just for his dog
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