Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
