did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
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You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
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There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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