Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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