Sober January is a disaster.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
