I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
