I would go down on you faster than GM stock
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
