think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
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