hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
