So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
