Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
