Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
