thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
