Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
