this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
