to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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