My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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