The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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