I want to make a zoo with you.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
