I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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