I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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