got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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