You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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