The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
