two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
