Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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