someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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