My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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