Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
