your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
