turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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