Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I know her cup size but not her name....
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