I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
