If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
