i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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