why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Randomize
