Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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