Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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