i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
