Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
its liver damage thursday
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
