Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
