I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Randomize
