i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
