I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
