Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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