I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
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his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
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Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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