No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
