my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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