I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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