I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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