I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
