Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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