i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
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Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
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I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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