worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
