Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
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he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
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I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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